Want to Get Things Done? Stop Being a Bitch About It.

I like to think Stop Being a Bitch About It was Nike's original concept before they decided on the more sanitized version, Just Do It.  They probably figured they could sell more t-shirts if they didn't curse at you. Luckily I have no interest in selling shirts. All I want to do is spread that same sentiment.

If you want to accomplish something, don't think much about the how, don't think about why it sucks, just stop thinking about it.  Ask yourself a simple question, Can I Do This?  If the answer is yes, then stop being a bitch about it and just get it done.  Sounds good right?  Especially when you phrase it with the proper oomph.  I was born and bred in Brooklyn where the use of curses are like delicious cayenne over your conversational meat.  My advice is twice as spicy as Nike's and you know it.

By repeating this mantra in this article, I want you to know, I am completely not judging you.  If you like how things are, or you're not ready for change, that's fine.  I am only telling you how I motivate myself to do the things I don't want to do.  There are a lot of worthy goals out there that I would like to reach, and I could probably start on some... if I'd only stop being such a bitch about it.

The problem with getting started on lofty ambitions is all of your incredibly legitimate iron-clad bona fide reasons you don't do most things. I am not saying that your excuses...cough...rationale lacks validity.  Within the confines of your normal routine, I'm sure most of them can be considered justifiable at the time.

The problem is that if you want to start something that you don't normally do, you have to change what you consider to be normal.  Most worthy habits require a significant amount of discomfort.  It's the difference between floating down a river in a tube with a beer in your hand or looking up at Mt. Everest with a blister on your toe.  In order to get climbing, you have to take a step in the right direction.  Then another step.  Eventually, you have to make your agony habitual until you become frostbitten and no longer know you have a foot to feel pain with.

Sure it may seem insurmountable at the moment, but you should know the future version of yourself is kicking ass and belittling all of the things you can't handle right now.  Just think about how many past versions of yourself you'd like to shake for not recognizing the ease at which you had it compared to all the crap you put up with now. The present version of yourself wants you to think about that one.

Still not convinced?  If you want proof that you don't have real problems, I recommend watching the documentary on Jonny Kennedy, The Boy Who's Skin Fell Off.  I assure you that as bad as the title sounds, it pays only a small homage to the amount of suffering this poor man endures.  I was only able to view a few minutes of it hitting the skip button furiously before needing to return to my safe and false reality where this condition doesn't exist.  Thank you universe for the problems that I have.

So you're now inspired to get started. The first step to climbing that mountain is identifying what it is you want to do.  Then you have to figure out how to stop being a bitch about not doing it.  It's simple.  Let's run through a few examples.

You want to lose weight.  Stop being a bitch about: 

• Not eating that fourth slice of pizza...that you ordered with sausage and a calzone just because you saw it.
• Thinking that the cost of the gym is unreasonably high when you just put down five-hundred bucks on a pair of sunglasses you only marginally like.
• Not using the stairs instead of the escalator even though there's a line of fifty angry people in a rush trying to crowd onto it in some type of unsystematic fashion. 
• Not going outside to jog or get to the gym because it's cold, getting colder or kind of early.
• Forgetting how much you could save if you don't buy that bag of double-stuffed Oreo cookies on sale at two for the price of one.  Two for the price of one!

You want to be a better fellow human.  Stop being a bitch about:

• Going the extra five car lengths to put your shopping cart in the proper return area.  The guy who's below minimum-wage job it is to return them to the store thanks you.
• Waiting the extra 1.5 seconds it takes to hold the door open for the next person behind you, even though the person in front of you was obviously a bitch.
• Getting to know the guy who makes your coffee every day, because you see him more often than any of your closest family members and should at least get to the point where you know his first name.  He sees you more than he sees his beloved mother and is wondering why you don't want to make eye contact.

You want to be a better fellow earthling.  Stop being a bitch about:

• Holding your personal debris until you find a garbage can, instead of pretending to scratch your leg and drop it where it will somehow find it's way to the ocean and choke a seagull out.
• Not bothering to swing your arm slightly farther to properly recycle your garbage.  That's okay, there's always mars if we run out of room, oh and the oceans too...they're like large toilets or something.
• Having to eat that rare, endangered, or tortured animal because at the moment, you want it slightly more than that other delicious thing you could harmlessly order. 

I'm not saying I do the right thing every time.  Everything is always an effort even though it does become more manageable over time.  The more things I try not to be a bitch about, the more confident I become on taking on larger goals. I hope the next time you're struggling with something, a small hostile voice comes out nowhere urging you to change something for the better.

Do you have Asian hair? You may be wasting sixty hours of your life each year...

Sixty hours is a lot of time.  You could enjoy a long weekend on a camping trip with your friends.  You could read a long book very quickly or a short book very slowly.  Maybe train a dog or a boyfriend to do cool tricks.  (Yeah I didn't think it was enough time for the boyfriend either).  Or for me, I could spend that time waiting for the train delay to be over. 

According to a survey, women spend an average of ten minutes a day brushing, drying and maintaining their hair.  To me, this figure seems generous.

As a woman with very long hair, my routine used to consist of:

• Wet hair
• Wash with shampoo
• Rinse
• Apply conditioner
• Use fingers to quickly and inefficiently detangle
• Rinse
• Towel dry

Time elapsed so far: two minutes.  

• Step out of shower
• Brush hair...with actual brush
• Take fingers to twist slightly
• Use blow dryer
• Perform contortionist maneuvers to bend and twist between the wire of the dryer and the small confines of my bathroom that would impress any circus maestro
• Halfway through, brush again
• Dry some more
• Brush a little more
• Make a poodle jump through a hoop of fire
• Why isn't it dry yet?
• Twist again with fingers
• Tie up hair into bun so the rest of now damp hair dries wavy
• Take hair out of bun later, finger brush again.
• Look into mirror with slight dissatisfaction.

Time elapsed: I'm guessing more than ten minutes.

Now some women have less of a routine than this, others have way more.  Have you ever spoken to a person of African descent about hair?  It can consist of at least six hours in a chair every month.  If I were black I'd be either bald or rocking an Afro.  Either of which, they at least have the good fortune of being able to pull off.

With an already busy schedule, I would sometimes wonder to myself...what would happen if I just stopped brushing or drying it altogether.  How bad could it get if I only perform the first part of that routine.  Maybe I could grow some cool Asian dreads, or help save the planet as a bird sanctuary.  Surely, the temptation to nest in my unruly coif would be irresistible.

After wondering a few times, I decided to give it a try.

Fast forward to now, here I am, six months later with a dusty hair brush and dryer.  It really only took about a week before I came to the conclusion that, oh yeah...I forgot I have Asian hair.  Silly me!  I had just never thought to try out laziness long enough to be able to conclude anything as life changing and marvelous as this.  My hair not only looks the same as it always have, there are days it looks even better.

What I am saying is...on the average, we may have gotten the short stick when it comes to bra size but don't forget you're Asian...and your hair will excel in areas where you don't want it to do anything in particular.  I guess I had more in common with my hair than I previously thought.

The Hot New Trend That Will Solve All Of Your Nail Woes

Do you suffer from the daily stress of being a woman...no I'm not done...a woman with nails?  Do any of these ailments pummel you down, day after day after goddamned day?  Does this sound like you...

• You don't have time for a salon.  You are not one of these television wives that fill their free time with shopping and champagne, absentee husbands and being rich.  Nope you are WAY too busy for that.  You only get the short satisfaction of leering lustfully into glass parlour windows as you grab that lunch you so enjoy eating at your work desk.
• You are an incessant nail biter.  Whenever they're naked, unpolished and unprotected by toxic chemicals, you have this unstoppable need to grind them down to furry harmless nubs.
• You lose sleep each night from the constant inner turmoil swirling inside your soul because you simply cannot choose between the comfort of light clean shellac free appendages vs. the look of artfully dressed index accents.  I mean ladies, we're talking boat shoes vs. stilettos here, are we not?

And when you do manage to get some polish on those manacles of yours, do you...

• Have this compulsion to start thinking thoughts like "now would be a great time to use a steel brush and finally get that grime off the pots...gee I think my nails are dry."
   
• You incessantly pick all of the polish off every nail the second the first one starts to chip, leaving you with a hand that looks like it emerged from a foggy pond in a b-rated horror movie?
   
• You are bored of having a normal looking hand and crave the attention total strangers give when they see something odd.  You secretly want to be one of the People of Walmart.

Maybe you are not this neurotic.  Maybe you are.  If you fall into the latter, I have the solution for you!

It's called "Paint A Few Nails at Random".

Okay so maybe it's not a hot new trend...but hey, I've been doing it for six months so if you were to collect all of your research data solely from me, you would definitely see a steep uptick on the chart.

Here is what you have to do.
Find a place where you don't have to worry about the odors of the polish escaping your personal space.  (Do NOT be like that guy at work who reheats fish in the office microwave.)

Pick out a color, or two, or three.  I have been toying lately with the Sally Hansen Salon Effects because they have cool patterns and dry instantly.

Choose a few fingers at random.  I would suggest no more one or two per hand.  The more crazy you want to appear, the less symmetrical you should paint.  People don't like asymmetrical things.  It makes them dream of anarchy.

And speaking of dreamy...read all of these benefits...

• It doesn't take long, you could basically replace your terrible habit of reading self-esteem reducing fashion magazines on the bowl with...painting a nail! 
   
• Having a few nails painted should be enough to stop you from biting your nails, because your brain is confused about which ones will give you cancer. 
   
• You can have the luxury of focusing on your fully coiffed digit and then focus your attention on how comfortable the other nails are.  We women are masters of changing subjects anyway. 
• Go for those grimy pots.  You now have the option of several worry free nails to use for the menial tasks that randomly pop into your head.
• Stand out.  Wear your oddity with confidence and people will want to copy.  Don't believe me?  Go to any rooftop in Williamsburg and watch as hipsters suddenly surround you as they secretly formulate how they will claim their own fame to this hot new trend when you're not around.

Making Time for the Gym Without Time or a Gym

As I stand here on the Manhattan bound train practicing my balance and sweating slightly, let me write you a little story.

I was a 165 lb. asian woman of 5' 7" stature and I had a problem.  I had just given birth which meant that sadly, I no longer had an excuse for not being fit.  I also had a full-time job that took up most of my day, from 7:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. including commute.  I had recently quit my gym membership because I couldn't stand the boredom or the cost.  At home I have another child, dog and a husband whose work schedule left me alone half of the week.  To put things succinctly, the people standing around me are lucky I fit a shower into my routine last night.

So how did I manage to lose 35 lbs in six months without time or a gym?  For me, I had to be smarter about where I could inject daily workout routines that I could live with into an ever increasingly hectic schedule.  Because exercise became just one more habit in a day of endless tasks that I could eventually ignore, I didn't find it stressful and was successful in keeping it up.

There is a minor caveat.  Sometimes you have to be willing to sweat a little bit in public or at work.  Still, nothing some baby wipes and a good deodorant can't fix.  A small price to pay if you ask me.

My first workout is at 6:30 a.m., after I've already gotten dressed and fed the youngest.  I previously had a daily routine of walking the dog, but after the children came, I found myself with less and less time to properly take care of her fitness needs.  At some point, I realized I could fit in four times the amount of stress relief for my husky mix on a bike than on my feet, so I ordered one of those spring attachments for her.  It was pretty great.  I got to save time and knee cartilage, while she got a faster pace and more outside time.  On mornings when the husband is there and can stay with the children, I hook her up and take her for a mile spin.  Then we have a low impact romp with the other dogs in the park and play fetch.  I'm a terrible pitcher and the ball never goes far so I have to throw the ball often which is great for the upper arms.

My second workout idea came to me when I moved to the middle of nowhere Brooklyn and now had to take a bus to the train.  My closest train is a mile and a half away.  At first, I figured it was walkable so I started with that.  I would listen to music, tweet random nothings, watch the seasons change and other small delights that gave me a good half hour break from my day.  More recently, I have transitioned from walking to jogging.  I put my shoes in a book bag and see if I can beat the previous day's time.  You would think it would be a bother but it becomes quite enjoyable if you get into a routine.

What about the sweat?  Well, in the summer it takes me about four train stops to stop perspiring.  I'm fairly freshly bathed so I never have any problems with odor.  In about ten minutes I'm pretty comfortable again.  The real benefit comes in the colder months where I get to be the only freak on the train platform comfortably jacket-less while others writhe in frost bitten pain.

Don't have a bus commute you say?  When I used to take only a train, I would give myself some extra time and get off a few stops early.  Then I would walk the rest of my commute.  On nice days I would bike the hour to work.  The ride over the Brooklyn bridge in the mornings never ceased to be amazing.

My third workout is on the train.  It consists of standing for forty minutes with as little rail contact as possible.   One of the reasons that I like to stand rather than sit is because I do this pretty much the rest of the day.  Besides, whenever I do sit, without fail a pregnant woman or elderly person stands in front of me.  I don't use the hand rail because it will probably give me AIDS somehow but I can also use the train to improve my balance over time.  Great for when you're learning how to fall down mountains gracefully in the winter months.

My fourth workout happens while I am sitting at work.  For the last eight years, I have replaced my chair with a yoga ball and for the last eight years, I have had no back or shoulder pains, and can sit comfortably for concerts on a lawn with no back support.  If I change jobs and am forced to use a chair for the sole reason of avoiding being ostracized as a weirdo, my back pain will start to resurface around the second month. 

My fifth workout happens at lunch time.  It can consist of a ten mile bike ride around Central Park, an hour long yoga class taught by my coworker, or a 3.5 run with others at work.  It happens pretty often and randomly but encouraging the already active people at work has done wonders in making sure we all stay interested and continue to work out.

My sixth workout is simple.  It's called the weekend with the kids.  Simply trying to pull and entertain two kids all day beats all of these workouts combined.

So six months and 35lbs later, i might be in better shape than before I was pregnant and still striving for more.  You may not be lucky enough to be able to have a full lunch break, be able to keep a bike at work, or sit on a yoga ball but if you are resourceful and flexible enough, I'm sure you can make it happen over time.  The important thing is to not stress too much over it, or anything.  The best thing you can do in life is try. If you're doing that, you're doing as much as you can.  If you can't make it happen today, don't get down on yourself.  We can always try harder tomorrow.